Casual Interest

I sent the Friend Request three and a half days ago.

The first day I checked my phone every half hour while I was awake eagerly waiting for the notification that he had accepted my request, butterflies filling my stomach and a constant knot of worry in my throat, insecurity mingling with excitement.

On the second day I reasoned that he must have been “unplugged” that first day (which is so admirable and obviously marks him as very down to earth), and I checked my phone every hour while I was awake trying to follow his example of “less screen time”.

Towards the end of the day the knot grew bigger and the butterflies all died, one at a time and slowly leaving a sick feeling of dread in my stomach.

Now, partway through day four, I am assuming he is dead. His untimely demise sudden and cruel, robbing us of the inevitable future we were to have (marriage within the year, two kids after five years of bliss, and a lasting love peppered with occasional bitterness and resentment). I keep looking at his friend’s Time Lines to see if his death has been announced yet or if there is a Memorial Page I can join.

So far there is nothing.

I suppose it is his loss, but I can’t help but dissecting every moment of our encounter.

Lucas and I met at a party and even though I hate the name Lucas I fell pretty hard. Originally he was talking to my roommate but I think she is too pretty for him so he didn’t last long in that conversation. Obviously he noticed the discrepancy in their looks, she is a knockout.

After an hour or so of mingling he made his way over to me we chatted over beers. He was drinking a nice Stout and though all of his beer facts were wrong – I should know, I brew my own – he was still endearingly pretentious about it.

I flipped my hair once and told him some wry jokes, always maintaining a half smile so as not to appear too eager but also not wanting to project disinterest. This is a look I have perfected after hours and hours spent starring into mirrors and really any reflective surface in my home. Sometime before parties I even practice in the camera on my cell phone. You know, just to make sure my expertise has not waned.

Lucas seemed really into me, touching my arm twice, brushing a lock of hair behind my ear, and even telling me he was really into me.

I don’t think I read the signs wrong, but perhaps I will ask my roommate. She is good with men.

Still, into me or not, it has been four days and he has not responded to my friend request. I should give up and pretend that I haven’t already picked out the colours for our fall wedding, but I meet so few men these days it seems a shame to give up.

I have been invited to another party on Friday and I have a feeling Lucas will be there. Perhaps until then I will practice being casual?

Casual. I can do casual.

I hit refresh one more time on the screen and sigh at the lack of notifications.